This is a post from Mandy Pagano of Suburban Stereotype
“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.” (Proverbs 19:18, NIV)
“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.” (Proverbs 23:13, NIV)
“Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.” (Proverbs 29:17, NIV)
The Bible has so much to say about disciplining children. It is obvious just from these few passages that as parents, we are to embrace discipline as a tool to mold and guide our children, and in doing so, it is to our children’s benefit. I realize that last sentence sounds very poetic and righteous. But the reality of the situation is that disciplining our children is not always easy and it is not always clear-cut the best way to handle every child and every situation.
As with my own children, what may work with one may not work with another. Attitudes and temperaments play a huge role in how and when I discipline.
As my kids get older, I am learning that actions are not the only things I must look at when striving to raise Godly, loving children. My oldest son has a terrible time being kind to my oldest daughter. In fact, I’ve actually noticed him go out of his way to be unkind. I have addressed this multiple times and often feel like I’ve made no headway at all. It’s very frustrating.
While I was looking up the above verses, I came across Proverbs 23:12, which says: “Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge.” To me, that verse says that I am not only addressing actions and behaviors when I discipline my children, I am also to pay attention to their motives. In the same way that I am to ‘apply my heart’ to instruction, I think it bears true that I am looking at my children’s hearts as well.
1 Samuel 16:7 tells us that God does not look at the outward appearance, but that He looks at the heart. While I can’t possibly address my children’s hearts like God can, I can pray for wisdom and insight into why they act the way they do and how I can best address that with each.
Time-outs, groundings, losing privileges, etc., all have their place, but utilizing those methods alone will not help me get to the root of the attitude or motive behind the behavior. I can ground my son until he hits college, but if I don’t work on communicating to him that just as he has value and worth to God and to his dad and I, so does his sister. And because of that, he must treat her with the same respect and kindness with which he is treated.
Until I can impress upon him that his actions are damaging not only to his sister, but also to his relationship with God, I will only be addressing half of the issue. The things he says and does to his sister must stop, but we must also recognize the thoughts that are leading to the actions.
After reading countless blogs and articles about parenting, I have decided to load my parenting tool belt with some of the following discipline methods:
- Choose a scripture that is specific to the action I am addressing with my child(ren). Pray that scripture every day, personalizing it by inserting the specific child’s name. For example, my son needs to gain insight as to why being kind to others is not optional, so I am going to pray John 13:34-35
“‘A new command I give you: Love one another . As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
I will personalize it like this: “Father, You are so gracious to love us and give Your Son for us. Thank you for being the ultimate example of selfless love. Please speak to [insert child’s name here]’s heart and open his eyes to how much You love him, and in turn, how- because of that- he must show love to his sister. I pray that you will help him see how much you value him and how much you value his sister, so that he will love her in the same way you love him. Reach him, Father, with the Truth that if he is to follow You, he must show love to others, and that includes his sister.”
- Have the child(ren) memorize (age-appropriate) scripture that pertains to the areas needing discipline. I will also use the opportunity to explain to him how the verses tie-in with the motive and heart issues behind his behavior. In the case of my son who is nine and a strong reader, I would have him memorize 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
- Reinforce good behavior. Every time I catch him treating his sister kindly, I will be sure to acknowledge it and praise him for making good, Godly choices. Likewise, when I see him doing the opposite, I will use those moments as teaching moments and an opportunity to pray together.
Consistency will be key in addressing this issue with our son, as will being a living example. Raising kids is hard work, whether you have one or 20. But our Father is the greatest example and freely offers wisdom about disciplining children (James 1:5). Through prayer, clear communication, and consistent follow-through, we can address the heart of the issue and not just the behavior.
This one spoke to my heart! Thank you ! My two Middles are like oil and water, my son never misses a moment to be unkind to his sister. Since her birth my son has decided he will do all in his power to annoy her or hurt her.I like the application of Bible verses to specific actions. Thank you.
I am so glad this post resonated with you, Brienne! It has been tough for us and every day is a learning process, but I know God is the best avenue to take to change my son’s heart. Good luck to you! xoxo ~Mandy
Great post, Mandy!! I love that you brought up using Scripture when addressing the heart issues. We have found that when we use God’s Word for discipline & instruction when training our kids, it softens their heart and allows God to work. His Word has power that our words don’t have. Thanks for the encouraging reminder!
Thank you, Kathie! I find it not only softens their heart, but mine too! Love how God’s Word works that way. 🙂 xoxo ~Mandy
What wise words this morning! My little is only 14 months, but she already can deliberately disobey. I find it helpful to hear this words from someone with more disciplining experience!
Hi, Stasia! Every day is a challenge and a learning experience! 🙂 xoxo ~Mandy
A very well written article! (I found you through the Heart For Home link up party.) Have you ever heard of a book called “For Instruction in Righteousness”? It has been an invaluable tool for me training my children and at times in working with other women. It is a topical reference guide with tons of Scripture verses that relate to various issues we all deal with. I’m not an affiliate or anything…I just love it and always recommend it 🙂
Blessings to you this day!
Hi, Marty! I’m so glad you found us! I haven’t heard of that book before, but I’m going to look into it. It sounds like a great resource. Thank you!! xoxo ~Mandy
Mandy,
Great post! It’s so important to address the heart. Otherwise they don’t have a chance to see their own need for Jesus Christ and His grace.
Blessings as you minister His Word, Donna
Hi, Donna! Thank you so much! xoxo ~Mandy
Great post! Biblical discipline takes work. It’s not for the lazy parent or the faint of heart. Often, I’m fighting my own temptations to anger or some other sin, so that I can discipline rightly and in love. Like you said it needs to be paired with loving instruction … sometimes that can be the more frustrating part. But I have seen God bless family relationships and save souls when discipline is practiced according to His Word.
Amen! And thank you for your kind words. It’s a life-ling lesson, isn’t it? xoxo
Mandy, I love how you tie the Scriptural meditation into the areas of discipline. Beautiful 🙂
Thank you so much, Lyli! xoxo
I have been trying to do this for years, but my memory is terrible and in the heat of the moment, I get flustered and use my own words instead of God’s. I have a friend who made a list of Bible passages to use with her children for many different situations.
http://dandelionspicked.blogspot.com/2012/08/his-word-is-truth.html
I copied it and put it on my refrigerator. We just moved and I lost it. Need to do it again. Thank you for the reminder!
I LOVE this list of verses!!! I will have to print them out and put them on my fridge too! Since writing this post, my own words have come back to haunt me many times. LOL! I am also quick to speak and quick to become angry, so I think I will add praying those verses from James into my prayer for my son. Let the Holy Spirit work on me too. 🙂 Thank you for sharing this link! xoxo
This article has been helpful! I am a stay at home mom to 3 beautiful kiddos. Their ages are 3, 2, and (almost) 8 months. My question/struggle is dealing with the heart issue at such a young age. When our 2 and 3 year old disobey, we tell them “Mommy/Daddy asked/told you to do/not do this, you did/didn’t do it anyways” And for whichever fits the situation, they may or may not get a spanking (spanking, not beating), or whichever punishment is appropriate. How do I talk about the heart issue and obedience to a 3 and 2 year old? My 2 year old son is also very young in the mind.
The way we did it was via the Happiest Toddler On The Block method. This is where you first show that you understand what they’re feeling. You use your body language and facial expressions to act it out a bit. So you might frown and stamp and say, “Oh, you’re mad! You want to do this! You don’t like being told you can’t!” And then when they start calming down and listening you use a one-sentence explanation and then guide them to the correct activity/behaviour.
It worked ok – it’s still a long, slow process (and we’re still working on it). Much more efficient to pause and sympathise/solve the underlying problem than a battle of wills with everyone digging their heels in, though.
I like this method. I am trying to get better at acknowledging their feelings first and not just laying into them about the “bad” behavior.
Someone else just commented on this post and you may gain some insight into disciplining toddlers. Acknowledging their feelings (“Aww, I know you’re angry and I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, but…hitting is not okay OR throwing your toys is not okay.”) I try to address my kids’ misbehavior by coming alongside them and coaching them rather than yelling at them or talking down to them. Please notice I said “I try”, LOL! I often fail and resort to my old stand by: yelling and punishment. My 3 year old can understand quite a bit when I talk to her about motive. I think tying in Scripture is key…let the Holy Spirit do the heavy lifting (and it soothes my heart too!) Good luck!! xoxo
Here from the Friday Family Fun linkup.
Definitely agree! It’s all very easy to say they must be guided but how? That’s often the tricky question – and it’s not as simple as hitting on the answer and doing it once and problem solved, either. If only!
I definitely believe in getting to the “heart” of the problem. My kids really respond well when we finally figure out what’s setting the whole thing off – then it becomes a problem we can solve together, instead of a battle of wills. Yes, they still have to work a bit to change their habits, but it starts moving in the right direction.
Now if only there was always a quick way to figure out what’s setting the whole thing off… 🙂
Good luck with your son and daughter!
Thank you! I agree…digging deep is exhausting sometimes. So, so worth it though!! 🙂 Thank you for stopping by!
great post! I’ve pinned this. Discipline is such an integral part of parenting, and it can definitely be tough to do so sometimes. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much! It’s such a tough, tough job for sure!
I so needed this, this morning. We had a rough day yesterday. It was all fights, and well flat out being mean and hurtful to eachother. I really wanted to through in the towel yesterday.
Thank you for the encouraging words. Now I must begin my day in new encouraging feelings that all will be well.
I’m sorry you had a tough day, Jen. I know that feeling so well. My son is actually doing better since we started doing this. I also added having him lose privileges for a certain time period and having to spend time writing 1 Cor 13 (the love chapter) repeatedly which gave him time to think about his actions and meditate on the Word. It’s also helping him to memorize. Hang in there. I know it’s so tiring sometimes, but oh so worth it! xoxo
I totally agree that consistency is key when disciplining.
Thanks for sharing at Wow Me Wednesday!
I understand your point about addressing the “heart” of the problem. I must say that this sounds lopsided–just your son’s attitude. I can’t imagine that your daughter is perfect.
Hi, Jean! Thanks for commenting. I can understand how it could seem lopsided to someone reading this. You’re right that my daughter isn’t perfect. 🙂 I probably could/should have included more of what we say to her during these situations, but I chose to focus on this particular method which is how we are reaching our son. You’ve given me food for thought for future posts! Thanks again for your input. ~Mandy